Sometimes, when I think back to the morning of July 8th, 2008, I think about how it could have been much worse. Of course there is nothing worse than finding that your child has passed away in her sleep. However, there are a variety of scenarios that play out in my mind, scenarios that make me thankful that everything happened the way it did. Here are my thoughts...
Shortly after Karissa passed away, I started working part-time. Some of the patients I worked with would come to the clinic every other week. There were a few that I really enjoyed talking with and getting to know.
It was right before Christmas and one of my patients asked me what my plans were. I struggled with whether or not I should mention that I was dreading the idea of Christmas without my daughter. I just mentioned that my husband and I were going to be spending Christmas in Manhattan and that this year was going to be quite different for us. For whatever reason, my patient could sense there was something wrong.
I ended up telling her all about Karissa. She was crying. That is when she told me that her grandson had recently passed away at the age of seven. He was mentally retarded and had seizures. She said he was hospitalized and had a breathing tube, ect. She told me it was heart-breaking to see her daughter and son-in-law go through so much pain. That the decision to let him go was agonizing.
I remember her taking my hand and telling me that she was glad that I didn't have to go through the same thing that her daughter had to go through with her son. That is was a blessing that Karissa had passed away peacefully. No tubes, no IV's, no decisions, ect... Then she prayed for me.
Sometimes I wonder why, on the morning of July 8th 2008, I didn't wake up out of a sound sleep like I usually did and run into Karissa's room when her seizures started. It is all clear to me now. I am so thankful that I was spared from the possibility of having to call 911 and having the paramedics 'work' on my daughter. I am thankful that my last memory of Karissa was not one where she was hooked up to IV's and breathing tubes.
Other scenarios that I have thought about are what if I had found Karissa after Mark had left for work? What if we had to give her CPR? Or even worse, what if I was alone and had to give her CPR? What if Mark and I were on a vacation without Karissa? What if it had happened at school?
I will always remember how she looked when we said our last goodbyes. She was beautiful. She looked angelic. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
5 years ago