Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Blame

Mark says I blame myself for Karissa's death. Blame. Isn't that part of the grieving process? I honestly can't remember. But yes, I do blame myself at times.

As mentioned in a previous post, during the last month or so, Karissa's seizures were getting much worse. She would go about a week or so and then have another bout of seizures. I remember on one particular Friday in June, when returning home from the neurologist, she had a terrifying seizure in the car (see post titled "Silence"). I didn't contact the neurologist like I should have. I still beat myself up for it. I think, "well, if I had informed the neurologist, maybe she would have changed her meds or maybe she would have started or added a new med to her current regimen. Maybe that would have saved her life." Or I think, "she probably died from hypoglyecmia or dehydration as a result of being on the Ketogenic Diet. We should have never had her on the diet."

I go through days where I think too much or dwell on stuff like this. I could drive myself crazy just thinking about the 'what-ifs.' I am selfish and I want her here with me. That is when I start blaming myself and start thinking of all the things I could have done differently that could have prevented her death.

BUT,
I know that Jesus wanted her home with him. It couldn't be more clear to me. Crystal Clear! My prayer that she would be healed and have no more seizures was answered the night before she died. She is in a better place where she is in no pain. I am confident in the fact that I will see her again. That is the hope that I cling to and go back to time and time again. That is what silences all my thought and doubts.

4 comments:

  1. Prayers for you.

    I can't imagine I would respond any differently, the human side of us automatically casts blame.

    The "but" in this post is powerful ...... Thankfully you can lean on the Lord and Mark and know that Karissa is waiting for you.....

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  2. Seizures are so unpredictable there was no way to see what was going to happen. As parents we blame ourselves for so many thing, but know that her going home had nothing to do with you. Seizures are one of those disorders that make us feel so helpless. There is never a way to predict what medicine will work or if they will ever be controlled. And please don't beat yourself up about the kenogentic diet. You exhausted every possibilty to try and control her seizures and it gave you a couple good months, didn't it? I always feel like I should be doing more, but ultimately it is out of our hands. God has a plan for each of our lives and we just have to do our best to trust. Knowing you guys and Karissa has changed our lives dramatically and I thank God everyday for the chance to know Karissa and see her strength. She was happy and loved, you should be so proud of how you took care of her and raised her the short time she was here on earth. Love ya girl.

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  3. When I question whether or not it was a good idea to have Karissa on the Ketogenic diet, I just think that the diet may have prolonged her life and given us extra time with her. :)

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  4. It's not selfish to want your baby.

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