Number three: Church
This is the place that I referred to in Part 1 as the 'almost.' This is a hard one for me to talk about. My thoughts may be a little disjointed. I will try my best.
I have been to church probably about a half-a-dozen times since Karissa has been gone. I know people judge me for not going to church. I know people talk. I know people see Mark at church without me and make all sorts of speculations. I can imagine conversations going like this: "Pray for Adrianne, she's not going to church", or "Pray for Adrianne, she must be not be doing well because she is not involved in church."
I have tried to go to church. There have been several times where I have walked into the sanctuary right before the service is to start and turn around and walk right back out. I freak out. I don't know why. Mark and I have talked about it but I can't seem to figure it out.
The truth of the matter is, I don't feel that one needs to go to church to have a strong relationship with Christ. Being in church is not a reflection of your relationship with Christ or an indication of how strong your faith is. I don't think it is right for people to make assumptions about your faith based on your attendance at church. But that is just how I see it.
Since Karissa has been gone, I feel that my relationship with Christ has only gotten stronger. If I didn't have a relationship with Him I would probably be in a nut house. My faith is the only thing that sustains me. I can't even fathom going through such a tragic loss without Christ. The hope of spending eternity with Him and knowing the I will be reunited with Karissa one day is what keeps going.
I will be back, eventually. I know that for certain. Just don't know when.
5 years ago