Monday, March 29, 2010

To my sweet little girl,

Today would have been your 5th birthday. The day you were born was one of the BEST days of my life. I still remember the first few days after you were born just watching you sleep. I couldn't stop staring at you, our miracle. You were so beautiful. I was so overwhelmed with the need to protect you and keep you safe. I still remember your sweet smell. You were precious, and still are.


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I loved planning your birthday parties. The invitations, food and cake, decorations and of course the theme. Your 1st birthday was a blast. At the time, it seemed like everyone was doing a Disney theme party. I wanted to be different so I decided to do a ladybug theme party. I first thought of the idea when you and I went to visit Gaylin in Colorado. I was looking through one of her cake decorating books and I saw a picture of a ladybug cake. Later during the week, while shopping at the mall, we stopped at Gymboree and I saw the most adorable ladybug dress complete with a little cardigan, socks and your ladybug blanket that went everywhere with you. Perfect! Everything was ladybugs, even down to your cake that your grandma made. You were loved by so many people who all came to celebrate your big day with you.

~The little ladybug party invitation I made~



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We were so blessed to have you with us, even if it was for a short time. In your 3 1/2 years, you brought us and many other so much joy and happiness. You have changed my life in so many ways. So today, I am going to try my best not to be sad. I will never forget the day you were born and even though you are no longer here with us, we will still celebrate your life. Today, on your 5th birthday, your daddy and I are going to go get some balloons and flowers and put them in your room to celebrate the day you were born. I know you will see them from heaven and smile.

So happy birthday, my sweet little angel. I love you. Love, momma

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Haunted and Happy. Another dream.

Two nights ago, I dreamt that Karissa, Mark and my dad and I were on a ski trip. We were out in the parking lot and Karissa started running. She slipped on the ice, hit her head and started having a seizure. I started freaking out and was yelling something like "no, she's gonna die again, we can't let her die like last time." I am still haunted by that part of my dream.

Then, the other part of my dream was that Karissa was playing with a girl the same age named Emma. Mind you, I do not know any little girl by the name of Emma. Anyways, I was sitting with Karissa and I said "Karissa, where is Emma?" Karissa pointed and said "she's right there." Whoa!! I was elated because Karissa was never able to talk and had a hard time with pointing. Babbling was all she could ever really do. So, in my dream, I remember being so shocked that she said those 3 words. I was crying and praising her with big hugs and kisses. I was so happy.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Lovely responses!

So, I got a few responses regarding yesterday's post. All but one is posted on facebook. I love, love, love when people post responses...good, bad and ugly. These were all good, as they usually are.

I love that I don't have to go to work. I am perfectly content staying at home. I will admit that sometimes it does get a little boring. I absolutely love taking care of my home and my husband, and one day, if I am lucky, another child or 2 or 3 or 4...

I guess, all I want is for people to try to understand, which is almost near to impossible unless you have suffered such a horrendous loss, that I am trying to live my life the best way I can. I think I am doing a pretty good job considering that I am still getting out of bed every morning, and have been since the day Karissa died.

Now, of course there are days when I don't get one single thing accomplished because the cloud that is hovering over me is so dark and stormy. I will say though, that the dark and stormy days are getting few and farther between. And then, there are days that are just a bit cloudy. Once in a while I have a bright and sunny day. But my days are usually a bit cloudy.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

"I know you're a stay-at-home mom, but what do you do with all your time?"

I used to get that quite often from those who had no kids. It was one of my biggest pet-peeves at the time. Being a stay-at-home is hard work. Definitely a full-time job. I have heard people say, after they have had kids, that they never realized how hard is was going to be and that their job outside of the home was much easier.

Obviously, I am no longer a stay-at-home mom. However, I still get the same response minus the stay-at-home mom part of course. The reaction I get when I tell people I am not working is ridiculously offensive and quite amusing all at the same time. People EXPECT and ASSUME that if you are not at home raising a family, then you obviously must be working. I hate having to feel like I have to justify myself, when quite frankly, it is really none of anyone's business.

And then, there are some who feel the need to recommend to me what I should be or could be doing with all of my time. Yes, I am not kidding, it has been done and it makes me want vomit. I know most people have the best of intentions but really? Do you really think I am that helpless that I haven't thought of things I could do to fill my time? Actually, I have formulated a list both in my head and on paper. I just haven't really done that much about it. I have talked about my ideas with Mark and a few friends.

I find myself trying to formulate an answer to the dreaded question. The sad truth is, I avoid people and places just to avoid having to hear THE QUESTION. At one point, I thought I would just lie and say I was going back to school. However, this is completely absurd considering that I have both a bachelor's and master's degree and am not really that interested in taking on more school loan debt. But hey, maybe it would get people to shut up!

Very recently, I was at lunch with a friend of mine, expressing to her my very frustrations with this. Her response was, "Just tell them you are married to a doctor and that you don't need to work." Awesome! Actually, I have thought of saying this but I don't ever want to come off as the stuck up, snotty doctor's wife who gets to stay at home and eat bonbons and watch soaps all day or go out for lavish lunches and shopping sprees. Excuse the run on sentence. The truth is, I feel blessed and very thankful that I don't have to work. I realize that I am probably one of the few people that has this luxury. I have friends and family that have lost their jobs or are close to it. So, I don't ever want to flaunt the fact that I don't need to work when others are in dire need of a job, which is why I have held off on that response until now.

But from now on, my response will be just that: "I am married to a doctor. I don't need to work." Deal with it! Ahhhh, I feel so relieved now!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Landmark Clinical Trial for Childhood Absence
Epilepsy Fills Large Information Gap

CURE would like to call attention to a landmark clinical trial, which has established an initial drug therapy for childhood absence epilepsy—the most common form of childhood epilepsy. The study—lead by Tracy A. Glauser, MD, director of the Comprehensive Epilepsy Center at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center—is the largest pediatric epilepsy clinical trial ever funded by the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS), of the National Institutes of Health (NIH).

Published March 4 in the New England Journal of Medicine, data from the double-blind, randomized, comparative clinical trial fill a large information gap in the treatment of childhood absence epilepsy, also known as “petit mal” epilepsy. The research, which identifies important differences between drugs in seizure control and side effects, is expected to impact how physicians select and monitor initial therapy for children with the disorder and ultimately lead to improved outcomes.

CURE Chair Susan Axelrod stated, "This is a groundbreaking study, which will lead to improved seizure control for so many children who suffer daily absence seizures. CURE would like to extend its gratitude to Dr. Glauser and his team for their hard work and dedication."

To learn more, please visit:
www.cincinnatichildrens.org/about/news/release/2010/epilepsy-trial-3-4-2010.htm