Tuesday, June 30, 2009

There will be a day!


I think I may be a bit lazy. I have so much that I want to write but can't seem to get it out. I probably have 3 different posts that I haven't quite finished.

Anyways, here is another song that Gaylin sent me. In fact, she has sent me a few over the past few days. We have been communicating through email and in my last message and asked her to please keep sending them, espeically now as the 1 year anniversary of Karissa's death is rapidly upon us.

There Will Be A Day
By Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will
wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
this is why this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, he will wipe away the tears,
He will wipe away the tears,
He will wipe away the tears,
There will be a day.



Sunday, June 28, 2009

...and I thought getting through Christmas was gonna be tough!

I love Christmas...the traditions, both new and old, the lights, the food, the music, ect... I especially love decorating my enormous house, both inside and out. Every year I have added a little bit more to my decorating. I may be a bit over the top but our house looks gorgeous and I love it!

We started some traditions with Karissa and we loved it! We bought her a new dress every Christmas, had pictures taken and sent out cards to family and friends. I bought her every kind of Christmas pajama at Target and Children's Place. The kind with the feet were my favorite. Those were just some of the special things we did during the season.

This last Christmas I didn't do one single thing to celebrate the season. No lights, no music, absolutely nothing! But wait, I did light one candle...does that count? Anyways, I didn't even want to think about going through the holidays without Karissa. I told Mark that I didn't know how I was going to make it through. Needless to say, I was so relieved when Christmas was over!

Today I had another tough day. I have been crying pretty much all day. A year ago we were getting ready to go on what would be our last vacation with Karissa. I remember packing all her little outfits, one for each day and each with matching shoes and hair accessories. I made all her special meals and carefully planned out her menu for the week. I made sure she would have her special ladybug blanket with her and of course, she had a different kind of pajama for each night. I brought a big bag full of her favorite toys and books...oh how she loved books!

Anyways, this afternoon I was sitting with Mark, crying so hard my body was shaking. I looked at him and said "I thought getting through Christmas was gonna be tough. This is so much worse!"

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Top 3 things you should never say to a grieving mom.

Ok, so I know I will probably offend at least one person with this post. I apologize in advance. I struggled with whether or not I should even post this. I did and here goes...

Top 3 things should never say to a grieving mom, in my opinion anyway.

3. I know EXACTLY how you feel because...

when my grandma, or when my aunt died, or when my friend died...ect...you get the idea, I was sad too. Yes, you may have a tiny glimpse of how I feel but there is no way you could ever know EXACTLY how I feel!

2. Oh, you will have more kids.
Seriously?? I was absolutely floored by this comment. It was said in such a nonchalant manner that I wanted to vomit! This was my response to the person: "Ok, so how would you feel if you woke up and found your 5-year old daughter, *name*, in her bed one morning, DEAD?" There was no response, just a look on the person's face that said "oh s***, I guess I shouldn't have said that." Oh, and by the way, if you even knew what it took for us to get pregnant, I am quite positive you would not make a comment like that.

Having more kids is something both Mark and I desire so much. My heart aches for another child/children. Having more kids will obviously never replace Karissa. But that is what I took from the comment that was made.

1. Time heals all wounds.
Please, please, please, don't say this to me! I hate this saying! My wound will never heal. I will always have an empty place in my heart. I will always have a wound. Yes, it will get better in time, I truly believe that, but it will never heal.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Smiling Down

The past week or so has been absolute hell for me. I only anticipate it getting worse as the year anniversary gets closer. I have good days and bad, but lately it seems as if they have all been pretty bad. I can usually pick myself up and keep going. This has not been the case lately. I feel like I am stuck in a deep dark pit and am desperately trying to get out. That is when I thought of the words to this song. Yes, Karissa is holding on to the hand of Jesus and she is right by his side...lucky girl.

One of my closest friends, Gaylin, sent me the lyrics to this song back in September. It was written for two different couples who were both dealing with the tragic loss of a child.


"Smiling Down"

You make it so hard on yourself
But theres nobody else
That could ever understand
The feelings that you felt
I could hear you think about
All the time I was around
If you could only see me now
I'm right here looking down

So next time that you feel like crying
Next time you don't feel like trying
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you
In the morning you don't feel like rising
Next time you feel like compromising
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you

I know you won't forget
All the time we got to spend
Just because it's been a while
Doesn't mean that its the end
So right here and now
I'll swear you a vow
That I will always be with you
Whenever you feel down
Nothing ever will come between us
Now I'm holding on to the hand of Jesus

So next time that you feel like crying
Next time you don't feel like trying
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you
In the morning you don't feel like rising
Next time you feel like compromising
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you

I'll be right there looking down
Even when the shine don't shine
I'll be right there looking down
All along the winter night
I'll be right there looking down
With a smile on me face
I'll be right there with my arms open wide
Right here on Jesus' side

So next time that you feel like crying
Next time you don't feel like trying
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you
In the morning you don't feel like rising
Next time you feel like compromising
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you

By Pillar
Lyrics provided by LyricsMode.com



Monday, June 22, 2009

Silence

I hate it. Better yet, I despise it. I miss all the little sounds and noises that used to fill my house. I miss how my little girl would wake me up in the morning. Who needs an alarm clock when you have your little girl to wake you up? I miss hearing the pitter-patter of her little feet on our hardwood floors. I miss how she would scream in the car when we would stop at a red light. I miss the sounds coming from her room when she would play with her toys. It is all so hard and it just really stinks. I would give anything to have it back.

At around 7:30 am on the morning of July 8th, 2008, the familiar sounds that filled her room were gone. That was my first clue that something was wrong. I immediately knew that she had probably had a seizure. That was the pattern. If Karissa was not bustling around in her room like a busy little bee by 7:00 am, it was most likely because she had had a seizure. Her seizures were the gran mal type. They were horrible. She would stop breathing. No CPR was ever necessary. She ALWAYS started breathing on her own. I would always give her rescue breathing though. It made me feel better.

The last month of her life they had gotten worse...they were longer, more violent and much more terrifying than any of us had ever seen. I remember one specific occasion when my mother-in-law and I were returning home from L.A. from taking Karissa to see the neurologist. We were just approaching the exit and she started seizing. It terrified both of us and we honestly were not sure if she was going to come out of it this time. She did. Anyways, her seizures took so much out of her and when she slept late, it was usually because she had suffered a seizure and she had just gone back to sleep.

I remember the first morning following Karissa's death how strange it was to wake up to a quiet house. I thought I would get used to it, eventually. It has almost been a year since she has been gone and I am still not used to the silence.

Most days I walk around my house wearing my iPod. I crave the noise. More often than not, I need it to function and get through my daily tasks around the house. Sure, you may say, "I will just bring my kids over" but that still won't fix the silence. I could have a house full of kids but there would still be silence. Silence because her precious sounds and noises are gone.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Cold. Grey. Beautiful.

The past few days have been very emotional for me. I figure it is because the year anniversary of Karissa's passing is rapidly approaching. As I think back on that day, there are so many things that run through my mind, like a quickly moving film. Everything is still so very vivid in my mind. There are things that I would much rather forget and things that give me so much peace and hope.

One of the things that sticks out in my mind is the phone call I made to my dad that morning. It was the first call I made. The first words out of my mouth when he answered the phone were: "my baby's dead, my baby's dead, daddy, my baby's dead." I can't tell you how many times I repeated that phrase. I was screaming so loud, I am quite certain that anyone passing by the house heard my screams. That is one call I wish I could forget.

Another thing that is so vivid in my mind is when Mark and I went to say our final goodbyes to our little angel. We had to wait 3 hours or more before we could go back into her room. It was agonizing to say the least. We walked into her room and I picked her up and just sat on her bed rocking her and holding her tight. She was so cold. I took her little ladybug blanket, one of her very special blankets, and wrapped her up, knowing full well that it would not do a thing to warm her little body. I remember rocking her and Mark and I crying and saying how much we loved her. I remember saying that it was going to be ok because she didn't have to have horrible seizures anymore. I remember how grey she looked but so very beautiful. Oh my gosh, she was gorgeous with her long eyelashes. She looked like an angel. She looked so peaceful. That makes me happy.