Saturday, February 27, 2010

Raindrops falling on your head

The rain reminds me of Karissa, but then again, I guess everything reminds me of her. Whenever it rains though, I am reminded of when I used to do 'raindrops' on Karissa's head. As a child who had problems with sensory integration, Karissa would love when I would do raindrops on her head. The light tapping sensation helped to calm her down and get her to relax. Sometimes, when she had a difficult time falling asleep, I would lightly tap her head and softly sing the word raindrops. I was always amazed at how her disposition would change. It was so very sweet.

Or, when we were in the car during the rain, I would open her window and she would put her hand out to feel the raindrops. I would say, "look Karissa, raindrops, like raindrops on your head." Sometimes she would respond with her sweet "ooooooo." Precious. Anyways, that's all...

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Dreams of a reccuring theme

Often times, I go to bed hoping and praying I will see Karissa in my dreams. I dream of Karissa quite often and have found a re-occurring theme. Like most dreams, last night I dreamt that Karissa was alive and that she was talking and communicating beautifully. No seizures and no funky diets. She was so happy.

But, what I find very strange, is that in all of my dreams, I am waiting for her to die or to just disappear. Like I knew she had died and that she had come back, but only temporarily. Just for a short little visit.

In my dreams I also struggle with what to feed her...do I give her normal food or do I resume her diet? I usually end up giving her whatever she wants to eat, but I find that as she is eating, I am waiting for her to drop dead on the floor from a seizure. I am holding my breath, just waiting for it to happen. Yet, at the same time, I am so happy that she is not on the diet.

Last night my dream deviated from its normal theme. In my dream, I was holding Karissa and rocking her to sleep. I was listening to the sound of her breathing and taking in her sweet smell. And in my dream, as I was holding her, these were the thoughts that were going through my mind: "the last time I held you, you were dead. Gone. You were not breathing and you were cold. But now you are alive, breathing and warm and I am so happy. I hope you are here to stay." Weird. I think my subconscious is trying to send me a message.