Thursday, February 25, 2010

Dreams of a reccuring theme

Often times, I go to bed hoping and praying I will see Karissa in my dreams. I dream of Karissa quite often and have found a re-occurring theme. Like most dreams, last night I dreamt that Karissa was alive and that she was talking and communicating beautifully. No seizures and no funky diets. She was so happy.

But, what I find very strange, is that in all of my dreams, I am waiting for her to die or to just disappear. Like I knew she had died and that she had come back, but only temporarily. Just for a short little visit.

In my dreams I also struggle with what to feed her...do I give her normal food or do I resume her diet? I usually end up giving her whatever she wants to eat, but I find that as she is eating, I am waiting for her to drop dead on the floor from a seizure. I am holding my breath, just waiting for it to happen. Yet, at the same time, I am so happy that she is not on the diet.

Last night my dream deviated from its normal theme. In my dream, I was holding Karissa and rocking her to sleep. I was listening to the sound of her breathing and taking in her sweet smell. And in my dream, as I was holding her, these were the thoughts that were going through my mind: "the last time I held you, you were dead. Gone. You were not breathing and you were cold. But now you are alive, breathing and warm and I am so happy. I hope you are here to stay." Weird. I think my subconscious is trying to send me a message.

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