Summer is over and school has started. But for me, it still feels like summer. I am sad. I am having one of those days where I miss Karissa a little "extra." Sounds silly but I will tell Mark "I miss Karissa extra today." Anyways, I keep seeing all the yellow school buses driving by my house. The regular ones and the short ones. It doesn't bother me to see the regular ones. It is the short buses that make my cry. They remind me of the fact that school has started but I no longer have my Karissa to take to school. No going back to school clothes or shoes. No pictures to remember her first day back at school.
The funny thing is that Karissa never rode the bus. I would have never let her ride the bus either. NEVER! Mark often asks me why I get so sad when I see the little yellow bus. Here is why: when I used to pick up Karissa from school, I would wait in line in the car. There were always 3 or 4 little buses waiting as well. I would get out of the car and walk up to the gate to get Karissa. Walking back to the car, we would always pass the little buses. On a few occasions, Karissa would try to climb up into the bus. I remember one of the bus drivers saying something like "she wants to ride the bus", or "mama, you need to let her ride the bus." I would just smile but what I was really thinking was "heck no!" I even remember the week before Karissa died that the school called to see if Karissa would be riding the bus that year.
So, seeing the little yellow buses all around town are a reminder of what used to be. And that makes me sad.
By the way, these picture were taken on Karissa's first day of school.
Adrianne,
ReplyDeleteI'm not even sure how to start this comment. I am just so very sorry for your loss and the heart ache you are experiencing. I read many of your posts over the last two days and my heart is so very heavy for you. I know that sounds weird since we don't know each other. I found your blog through a mutual follower and was drawn to it immediately. Your seem to have such a sweet spirit of trusting God in the midst of great pain and sadness. Your desire to help others by bringing awareness to particular issues close to home and talking about your struggle to attend church but a heart that longs to be there and your willingness to share your honest place of heart is amazing to me. I know you must feel very weak at times but be encouraged that God is using you and your "Holland" to reach others. I have prayed for you the last two days and just wanted you to know you have ministered to my own heart. The "Holland" post was incredible and hearing how you have processed and are processing things has spoken to me in personal ways. Karissa is a beautiful little girl and no doubt God placed her in your hands knowing full well He would take her back into His healing hands. It doesn't make it easy and it still wouldn't make anyone in their right mind wish that upon anyone but it does give hope in the midst of extreme pain. May God bless you and your husband and continue to work His perfect plan in your lives.
Adrianne,
ReplyDeleteThe Lord continues to bring you to my mind and heart through the week and I wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you. May God minister to you right where you are and be exactly what you need today. Bless you, sweet sister in Christ.