Friday, February 24, 2012

The grass is always greener...

Today, Mark & I found out that our last and probably final round of IVF did not work. Two weeks ago, I had two absolutely beautiful embryos transferred to my uterus in hopes that one, or both would implant and start to grow. Like always, the embryologist was so optimistic and said that our embryos were the best looking embryos of our 11, even better than the embryos that became Preston & Ethan. She even went as far to say they looked a bit "twinsy!" Yikes!

I had no clue what the results of the pregnancy test were going to be. I had the signs and symptoms of early pregnancy, such as sore boobs and extreme fatigue. Unfortunately, these symptoms were the result of the massive amount of hormones I was either injecting into my ass with a needle the size of Texas or sticking up other places.

Today my mind and heart are racing with so many thoughts and emotions. I am resentful of the women, that, oops!!, gets pregnant just like that. Or, the women that get pregnant only after trying for a few months. Or, the women that will never know how painful an IVF cycle can be. Yes, I know it was my choice to go through IVF and that there are other options, but I still get very resentful that I will never know what it's like to miss a period, pee-on-a-stick and see two lines. Must be nice.

Now that I've unleashed my anger...

I am also reminded of every woman that will never get to experience a pregnancy, give birth and hold their baby for the first time, a truly magical moment. I am reminded of women, who at the age of 30, have  had a hysterectomy and literally had their dream of ever carrying a child ripped out of them. I have no idea how emotionally painful that must be.

I know there are women who would give anything to be where I am. I realize that I am blessed to have two perfect little boys that are amazing and remind me never to take anything in this life for granted, even the tiniest of all things. Yes, I was hoping to get pregnant again and have another baby but when I look at my boys, they remind me that I need to be content right where I am.

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