Lately, the tears are flowing not only because I miss Karissa, but because my heart literally aches, ACHES, for another child. It hurts. I cannot even begin to explain. I know that having another child will never, ever replace Karissa. But, what I do know is that it will help me to heal and move forward.
A few weeks ago, Gaylin, a very close friend of mine, was here visiting some family. I was able to spend some time with her while she was here. We were upstairs standing right outside of Karissa's bedroom, still untouched, since July 8th, 2008. Although I do bring fresh flowers to her room almost on a daily basis, her room is exactly the same. I recall telling my friend that the day I will go through her room will be the day we have another child. I also imagine that will be the same time at which I will be able to return to Target.
Anyhow, two days after Karissa died, Mark and I took a short walk around the block. Actually, we would do this quite a lot right after she died. For the first month or so, there were always people at our house, morning, noon and night. While we welcomed the company and the distractions, sometimes we just wanted to be alone together for a while. So we would go for little short walks. During the walk we took 2 days after she died, I vividly remember saying to Mark "we need to have more kids. Karissa would want us to have more kids. If she were here she would tell us to have more kids. That would make her happy." Karissa not only loved people, she LOVED kids.
So, these days I am crying not only for the loss of my daughter, but for the anxiety of a future that is unknown to me. If someone were to come from the future and tell me that we would never have more children, I don't know what I would do. Although this is hard for me to write for the whole world to read, I feel that my life has stopped since Karissa died. Like my life is on hold. Like I am waiting for it to start up again. It is horrible. I hate being in this place. Mark says I need to live in the moment. True, but I don't know how to do that. I feel that having another child, or children, if we are lucky, will give me my life back. I loved being Karissa's momma. It gave me so much joy and happiness. I need to have that again.
5 years ago