Friday, October 2, 2009

Can I just forget?

I debated as to whether I should even post this. It is kinda sad. But this is what is running through my mind right now at this very moment. This is me being real. Today this is how I am grieving the loss of my little angel.

Today I just want to forget about Karissa. I closed the door to her room. I haven't done that in quite sometime. I want to get rid of everything, take down every picture and forget every memory I have of her. I know that sounds just awful and that I am being completely irrational in my thinking. Of course I am not going to get rid of anything. Of course I am going to hold on to every memory I have of her.

But sometimes, like today, I don't want to be reminded of all the good times I had with her. Because the good times spent with Karissa are gone. I won't ever have those again with her because she is gone. Karissa is DEAD. She DIED. She is NOT HERE with me anymore. I don't want to remember taking her to the park or going for long walks. I want to forget all the vacations and trips to Disneyland. Today it hurts to much to remember every good memory I have of her. It is a painful reminder of what life used to be like and of what life is like now.

I hope tomorrow is different. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to open the door to her room. Or smile on all the memories I have of my little angel. But not today.

2 comments:

  1. That makes sense to me. You're allowed to feel however you want and no apologies are ever necessary. Sounds like you want to wake up from this awful nightmare and tragedy.
    One day at a time. No, one minute at a time.
    Pain and grief are very personal and you need to act, feel and express any way you want.

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  2. I'm so sorry. I continue to pray for you and your husband.

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