Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I really am not crazy, I promise...

Sometimes, I stand in her room just staring at her empty bed, hoping, she would be there. Can't I just stare her back into existence? Why won't that work? Sometimes, I open her closet door or a drawer to her dresser, just wishing I could chose her outfit for the day. Just hoping to turn around and see her standing there. Or, sometimes I will go in her room and push one of the buttons on one of her toys just to remember the sounds that used to fill her room when she was alive. I still look at the clock at specific times during the day: 7:30 am meds, 9:00 am short nap before school, 10:40 am leave for school, 1:40 pm pick her up from school, 2:15 pm another short nap or a walk to help her unwind, 7:30 pm meds and bedtime routine which always involved bath, stories and lots of snuggling. When I am driving, I still find myself looking in the backseat from time-to-time, wishing she was there but only to realize that she is not. And won't ever be because she in NEVER coming back. Almost 16 months later, it still can seem very surreal. Like it never happened. Like I am going to wake up from a VERY BAD dream. Like I am just going to walk in her room and see her sleeping in her bed or playing with her toys.

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