Saturday, June 27, 2009

Top 3 things you should never say to a grieving mom.

Ok, so I know I will probably offend at least one person with this post. I apologize in advance. I struggled with whether or not I should even post this. I did and here goes...

Top 3 things should never say to a grieving mom, in my opinion anyway.

3. I know EXACTLY how you feel because...

when my grandma, or when my aunt died, or when my friend get the idea, I was sad too. Yes, you may have a tiny glimpse of how I feel but there is no way you could ever know EXACTLY how I feel!

2. Oh, you will have more kids.
Seriously?? I was absolutely floored by this comment. It was said in such a nonchalant manner that I wanted to vomit! This was my response to the person: "Ok, so how would you feel if you woke up and found your 5-year old daughter, *name*, in her bed one morning, DEAD?" There was no response, just a look on the person's face that said "oh s***, I guess I shouldn't have said that." Oh, and by the way, if you even knew what it took for us to get pregnant, I am quite positive you would not make a comment like that.

Having more kids is something both Mark and I desire so much. My heart aches for another child/children. Having more kids will obviously never replace Karissa. But that is what I took from the comment that was made.

1. Time heals all wounds.
Please, please, please, don't say this to me! I hate this saying! My wound will never heal. I will always have an empty place in my heart. I will always have a wound. Yes, it will get better in time, I truly believe that, but it will never heal.


  1. I struggled with these as well. Also, people who quoted Romans 8.28 to me. I didn't WANT this to work together for good. What I WANTED was Baylee! Or "She's in a better place"...a better place than in my arms? Sorry if I'm selfish, folks, but my granddaughter belongs right here; in my arms, not in my memory. I want to sing to her and read to her and tell her how brave she is, and run my fingers through her mass of yellow curls.

    So here I sit, 6 years later (Baylee has now lived in heaven for as long as she lived on Earth) still missing her, grieving for her, longing for her, weeping for her as though we lost her only yesterday. Maybe the wound on my heart has healed a bit, but it has left such an ugly scar.

    At her funeral, Tom said Baylee now knows and understands why her life was like it was, why she had Rett Syndrome, why she died. He said once we reach heaven, we'll know, too. That's a pretty good reason to set my sights on heaven, but a better reason is to see that precious child running and dancing and singing. To have her say the words she was never able to say..."I love you, Grammie".

  2. Number 1: Amazes me, how anybody can say that (unless of course they lost a child) is beyond me. I simply can't imagine how it feels and just the thought of it is too much to bear. There is no way I can imagine how you must feel.

    Number 2: Awe is all I can say. I saw a comment like this on your Facebook page once and I wanted to come through the computer like you were my BFF-lol. No idea how anybody can say anything like this.

    Number 3: Yes, I would imagine that time (alot of it) will make things somewhat easier but I can't believe a wound like this would ever heal.

    P.S. Great post and remember your blog is your blog, people that are offended don't have to read :)

  3. My personal favorite was, "It's been 6 months. You should be over it by now." I almost had to punch them in the face.

  4. I don't know why I started reading this today, but it all gives me so much more insight into you and I am really appreciating that.
    We have friends who had a son shot down in Iraq. She recommended a book for people to read and it gave me so much insight into what you SHOULD NOT say to someone who is grieving. You've summed it up really well. None of us who has not lost a child can possibly know how it feels.