I hate it. Better yet, I despise it. I miss all the little sounds and noises that used to fill my house. I miss how my little girl would wake me up in the morning. Who needs an alarm clock when you have your little girl to wake you up? I miss hearing the pitter-patter of her little feet on our hardwood floors. I miss how she would scream in the car when we would stop at a red light. I miss the sounds coming from her room when she would play with her toys. It is all so hard and it just really stinks. I would give anything to have it back.
At around 7:30 am on the morning of July 8th, 2008, the familiar sounds that filled her room were gone. That was my first clue that something was wrong. I immediately knew that she had probably had a seizure. That was the pattern. If Karissa was not bustling around in her room like a busy little bee by 7:00 am, it was most likely because she had had a seizure. Her seizures were the gran mal type. They were horrible. She would stop breathing. No CPR was ever necessary. She ALWAYS started breathing on her own. I would always give her rescue breathing though. It made me feel better.
The last month of her life they had gotten worse...they were longer, more violent and much more terrifying than any of us had ever seen. I remember one specific occasion when my mother-in-law and I were returning home from L.A. from taking Karissa to see the neurologist. We were just approaching the exit and she started seizing. It terrified both of us and we honestly were not sure if she was going to come out of it this time. She did. Anyways, her seizures took so much out of her and when she slept late, it was usually because she had suffered a seizure and she had just gone back to sleep.
I remember the first morning following Karissa's death how strange it was to wake up to a quiet house. I thought I would get used to it, eventually. It has almost been a year since she has been gone and I am still not used to the silence.
Most days I walk around my house wearing my iPod. I crave the noise. More often than not, I need it to function and get through my daily tasks around the house. Sure, you may say, "I will just bring my kids over" but that still won't fix the silence. I could have a house full of kids but there would still be silence. Silence because her precious sounds and noises are gone.
5 years ago