Monday, June 22, 2009

Silence

I hate it. Better yet, I despise it. I miss all the little sounds and noises that used to fill my house. I miss how my little girl would wake me up in the morning. Who needs an alarm clock when you have your little girl to wake you up? I miss hearing the pitter-patter of her little feet on our hardwood floors. I miss how she would scream in the car when we would stop at a red light. I miss the sounds coming from her room when she would play with her toys. It is all so hard and it just really stinks. I would give anything to have it back.

At around 7:30 am on the morning of July 8th, 2008, the familiar sounds that filled her room were gone. That was my first clue that something was wrong. I immediately knew that she had probably had a seizure. That was the pattern. If Karissa was not bustling around in her room like a busy little bee by 7:00 am, it was most likely because she had had a seizure. Her seizures were the gran mal type. They were horrible. She would stop breathing. No CPR was ever necessary. She ALWAYS started breathing on her own. I would always give her rescue breathing though. It made me feel better.

The last month of her life they had gotten worse...they were longer, more violent and much more terrifying than any of us had ever seen. I remember one specific occasion when my mother-in-law and I were returning home from L.A. from taking Karissa to see the neurologist. We were just approaching the exit and she started seizing. It terrified both of us and we honestly were not sure if she was going to come out of it this time. She did. Anyways, her seizures took so much out of her and when she slept late, it was usually because she had suffered a seizure and she had just gone back to sleep.

I remember the first morning following Karissa's death how strange it was to wake up to a quiet house. I thought I would get used to it, eventually. It has almost been a year since she has been gone and I am still not used to the silence.

Most days I walk around my house wearing my iPod. I crave the noise. More often than not, I need it to function and get through my daily tasks around the house. Sure, you may say, "I will just bring my kids over" but that still won't fix the silence. I could have a house full of kids but there would still be silence. Silence because her precious sounds and noises are gone.

5 comments:

  1. That makes sense. I've been wearing my iPod a lot lately too. Didn't think of it that way, but your post made me realize that I am using it as an escape. I couldn't imagine how that morning was for you. Heartbreaking. Love you guys and I'm so sorry that you are having to miss your little lady.
    Love Angie

    ReplyDelete
  2. Adrianne~ I have been praying for you and your family, and will continue to do so. I am so sorry. This post, and your blog will make many mommies, like myself, realize how ridiculous it is to even think about complaining about midnight feedings, sleepless nights, early mornings, messy houses, days without showers, no nap days, and all the other "things" that go hand in hand with being a mom. In fact, it will make us realize that we need to count those things as blessings. I am so sorry for what you've been through and what you're going through. Praying for God's peace and comfort for you and Mark.

    Love,

    Chelsea

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey Girl,
    I wish there was something, anything I can do to ease the pain. All I can think of is that she is SEIZURE FREE and wrecking havoc in Heaven. I know how much more you wish you were hearing those sounds, and I hurt for you everyday. Praying for you as always, let me know if there is anything else I can do. Love ya!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for having the courage and strenght to put your heart on "paper." Like the others, you help me put it in perspective. I too wish I could do something, anything to take away this horrible tragedy. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  5. your Mom is a very special friend to me..The hurts in life are very hard to take but it is SO wonderful to have a Savior & Friend in Jesus Christ who knows and feels our every pain as that is what He did for us on the cross. I've lost a sister plus the tragic murders of both my parents. When reading God's Word or songs to sing were not able to be read or sung, I was so comforted to repeat over and over the name, "JESUS" and then think on Him and from there the strength and grace to go on in life was experienced. Yes, tears have a healing agent in them plus writing out your thoughts like you have shared here. Thank you for this sharing. Know we would all love to know how to heal this hurt for you and your family. Remember even Jesus wept when his friend, Lazerus died. He knows the pain of death but He conquered it in His ressurection. Praise Him!
    I pray God reminds me to pray for you and the family often! So far He has early in the am and even late at night. It helped to know I was being prayed for. Remember to choose the Jesus way! JESUS heals with the scars still visible but maybe not as predominate as time goes on...
    God's peace and love enfold you today and always.
    (Special hi to your dear Mom from me.)

    ReplyDelete