Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Cold. Grey. Beautiful.

The past few days have been very emotional for me. I figure it is because the year anniversary of Karissa's passing is rapidly approaching. As I think back on that day, there are so many things that run through my mind, like a quickly moving film. Everything is still so very vivid in my mind. There are things that I would much rather forget and things that give me so much peace and hope.

One of the things that sticks out in my mind is the phone call I made to my dad that morning. It was the first call I made. The first words out of my mouth when he answered the phone were: "my baby's dead, my baby's dead, daddy, my baby's dead." I can't tell you how many times I repeated that phrase. I was screaming so loud, I am quite certain that anyone passing by the house heard my screams. That is one call I wish I could forget.

Another thing that is so vivid in my mind is when Mark and I went to say our final goodbyes to our little angel. We had to wait 3 hours or more before we could go back into her room. It was agonizing to say the least. We walked into her room and I picked her up and just sat on her bed rocking her and holding her tight. She was so cold. I took her little ladybug blanket, one of her very special blankets, and wrapped her up, knowing full well that it would not do a thing to warm her little body. I remember rocking her and Mark and I crying and saying how much we loved her. I remember saying that it was going to be ok because she didn't have to have horrible seizures anymore. I remember how grey she looked but so very beautiful. Oh my gosh, she was gorgeous with her long eyelashes. She looked like an angel. She looked so peaceful. That makes me happy.


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  2. I'm glad you finally started the blog. I can only imagine the painful memories you wish to forget. I remember getting the call from Jess and the complete sadness and despair I felt. I never held my babies tighter than that horrible night. I know that those memories will never leave, but am grateful for knowing that beautiful smile. Despite the difficulty, thank you for your continued friendship and support. You are stronger than you know and an incredible advocate for Karissa and the fight against seizures. Thinking and praying for you, maybe we an get togther soon :-).

  3. Yes, Kleenex is in order for this one. My daughter Sydney is going to be 15 months old on the 7th. While I havent seen you in 15+ years and we were never close friends every 7th of the month I think of you and Karissa and I reflect on how the 8th is only a day way. It challenges me to not let a moment go to waste.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. I hope the blog is helpful for you.

  4. Wow, thank you! It means so much to hear you say that!

  5. Okay, Adrianne....I didn't expect to have to pull out the kleenex at my desk at work :) Wow...thanks for sharing. I think a blog can be very therapuetic. It lets other connect with you and know how you're feeling without being face to face, so keep sharing....