Facing the inevitable

If I had my way, I would go away for Christmas again this year. Last year, Mark and I spent Christmas in Manhattan. We left on Christmas Eve. It was so much fun. We stayed out late, ate great food and drank great wine, went to a few shows and did some shopping.

I didn't even want to think about our first Christmas without Karissa. I didn't want to reminisce about the traditions we had started with our daughter, like going to Disneyland in the fall to pick out her ornament to hang on the Christmas tree. Or the several pairs of Christmas pajamas. The Christmas pictures and pretty dresses.

I didn't decorate my home for the holidays like I usually do. Not one single decoration, except for a candle or two. I couldn't bear to pull out the decorations and come across her stocking or see all of her special ornaments.

So, our first Christmas without Karissa we escaped from it all. But, you know, I was still unbearably sad. I found myself walking the streets of Manhattan clinging to Mark in tears, just wishing our daughter was with us. Thinking how much she would love all the lights and the stroller rides. It was tough.

This year I have decorated my home. We have our Christmas tree up, however, it is a very generic looking tree. No special keepsake ornaments, in fact, I knew exactly which box contained all of Karissa's things and I just put it aside for another Christmas. I even put a Christmas tree in Karissa's room decorated with none other than purple lights. I love walking by her room and seeing the glow of all the lights. It makes me happy.

This year is a little easier. Just a little. I have found what I can and cannot handle. For one, I can't listen to Christmas music. Obviously it can't be avoided, but I don't have it blaring in my house for the entire month of December, which is usually the norm. Shopping and wrapping presents is a little tough, especially when it came to shopping for my 4 year old niece, who is only a month older than Karissa. I left the Christmas tags blank because I couldn't bring myself to leave off Karissa's name and just write 'From: Mark and Adrianne.'

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am doing my best to get through one of the toughest times of the year. I don't want to escape and run away. That didn't work the first time, although it did numb the pain, but only temporarily.