194 injections, 16 blood draws, 11 ultrasound exams, 1 egg retrieval, 3 embryo transfers, lots of pills and a lot of hoping and praying...

...we are finally pregnant...with TWINS! Oh, and those figures do not include our very first IVF cycle that resulted in our miracle, Karissa. It has been a very long and emotional journey to get where we are today, but it has been well worth it!! I am so thankful and so very blessed. This is a dream come true. Here is a glimpse of our journey, from the time it all began to now.

In 2004, we were told that IVF, or, in vitro fertilization, was our only hope of having a biological child. In May of 2004, we started the intense and arduous process of IVF. We were very successful and pleased with the results, not just because we got pregnant on the very first try, but because we had embryos to freeze for later use. Here is a run-down of our first cycle with IVF:

* 31 eggs retrieved...yes, I am an egg-making machine!!!!
* 17 eggs successfully fertilized
* 10 perfect-to-excellent quality embryos

In July of 2004, 2 perfect quality embryos were transferred back into my uterus, with one going on to implant which resulted in our first pregnancy with Karissa. About a year-and-a-half later, we proceeded with our second cycle which was a frozen embryo cycle or FET. The day of the embryo transfer, we found out that the 10 embryos we thought we originally had was really 8. It turned out that 2 of the embryos stop developing. So, we only had 6 frozen embryos left rather than 8. We also found out 3 of our embryos did not survive the thaw, thus leaving us with 3 embryos suitable for transfer. Our 3 remaining embryos were transferred and we got pregnant again. Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 7 1/2 weeks. At that point, I had decided that I would NEVER put myself through not only the emotional, but physical stress of another cycle. I was perfectly content and had absolutely no desire to ever get pregnant again.

Certain of the fact that we wanted more children, our plan was to adopt. That was the plan, although we never really pursued it. People would ask us "are you going to have more kids?" and the response was always, "yes, we are planning to adopt."

On July 8th, 2008, our world was turned completely upside down. Obviously, any plans or thoughts in the way of having more kids was put on hold.

Early the following year, I started thinking that I wanted to get pregnant again and if that meant going through another round, or 2 or 3 of IVF, then I was ok with that. My heart's desire literally changed. I expressed this to Mark and he said that we should wait until a year had passed since Karissa's death before even considering the possibility of pursuing IVF again. So I waited and prayed and my desire grew even deeper.

In August of 2009, we proceeded with our plans of IVF. We shared our plans with our parents, my sister and a few of my very closest friends. It was by no means an easy decision. First, the possibility of having another child with epilepsy terrified me and still does. Second, other than the epilepsy, we never knew what type of metabolic or genetic problem Karissa had, if any. My faith was tested, and still is on a daily basis. Throughout this whole process and even now, I pray on a continual basis for peace. I am so blessed and thankful that the God has granted me peace and the ability to trust Him.

So, here is the run-d0wn of our third round of IVF, or second fresh cycle done in August:

* 23 eggs retrieved; not as good as before but then again, I am 5 years older
* 17 eggs successfully fertilized
* 11, 5 days blastocysts, or 5 day old embryos

In September, 2 perfect quality embryos were transferred to my uterus. The embryologist said "you may just get twins because these embryos are perfect." Wow! Music to my ears! Two weeks later, we found out we were unsuccessful. Huh? We were all stunned. Even my doctor said he was shocked. Everything we perfect...the embryos, my hormone levels and the lining of my uterus was perfect and ready to support the implantation of one or both embryos.

December 2009 we went for our 4th cycle, which again, was an FET cycle rather than a fresh cycle since we were using frozen embryos. They thawed 3, transferred the 3 and again, we were unsuccessful. To say we were all frustrated is an understatement! My doctor said he thought I would be pregnant by now.

In February we continued on with our 5th cycle, again an FET cycle. This time, 4 embryos where thawed and transferred. I knew from the very beginning of this cycle that we would be successful. I felt very positive. I was right!

On the day of my pregnancy test, 2 weeks after our embryo transfer, I found out that they ran a pregnancy test the week before when I was getting my hormone levels checked. Turns out it was positive and my HCG (pregnancy hormone) was 67. That was a great number, considering how early it still was. The HCG is supposed to double every 48 hours. As I was waiting for the results from my test, the embryologist said she expected my HCG to increase from 67 to 500-600. A good four hours later, the nurse called and said "we have the results of your HCG and it is a very strong number. Your HCG is 1,397." I asked her to repeat the number, like 3 times! I remember saying something like "1,397 as in one thousand three hundred and ninety seven? Are you sure you have the right number?" I immediately got on the phone with my parents, my sister and texted Mark's parents! We were all elated! I knew that we were pregnant with twins but I would have to wait another 2 weeks for a confirmation as to how many actually implanted. On April 9th, 2010, my dream of having twins came true, well, actually, my dream of just getting pregnant came true. I am blessed!

~ 6 weeks 5 days ~

~ 10 weeks 2 days ~

Another dream

I am still alive and well! I have just been very pre-occupied for the past month or so.

I had another strange dream last night. Once again, the recurring theme that I blogged about a while back was very much present. I dreamt that my house was on fire, only the house was identical to mine on the outside but the inside was identical to my parents. Karissa's room was my sister Chelsea's room, which is ironic because that is where Karissa would sleep when my parents would watch her.

When I saw that the house was on fire, I grabbed Karissa and her ladybug blanket and told the two strangers that were with me that we needed to get out of the house. We ran into the backyard. I was frantic and ran back into the house to get all of Karissa's scrapbooks and her memory box filled with very special items like her first tooth, locks of hair and her homecoming outfit. I wanted to retrieve these items because I figured they were all the memories that I had left of her. Very precious memories that I cherished, especially since she was gone. But wait, wasn't she just outside, alive and well?

To my sweet little girl,

Today would have been your 5th birthday. The day you were born was one of the BEST days of my life. I still remember the first few days after you were born just watching you sleep. I couldn't stop staring at you, our miracle. You were so beautiful. I was so overwhelmed with the need to protect you and keep you safe. I still remember your sweet smell. You were precious, and still are.

~Birth announcements that I finished while you were in the hospital at 2 weeks old ~

I loved planning your birthday parties. The invitations, food and cake, decorations and of course the theme. Your 1st birthday was a blast. At the time, it seemed like everyone was doing a Disney theme party. I wanted to be different so I decided to do a ladybug theme party. I first thought of the idea when you and I went to visit Gaylin in Colorado. I was looking through one of her cake decorating books and I saw a picture of a ladybug cake. Later during the week, while shopping at the mall, we stopped at Gymboree and I saw the most adorable ladybug dress complete with a little cardigan, socks and your ladybug blanket that went everywhere with you. Perfect! Everything was ladybugs, even down to your cake that your grandma made. You were loved by so many people who all came to celebrate your big day with you.

~The little ladybug party invitation I made~

We were so blessed to have you with us, even if it was for a short time. In your 3 1/2 years, you brought us and many other so much joy and happiness. You have changed my life in so many ways. So today, I am going to try my best not to be sad. I will never forget the day you were born and even though you are no longer here with us, we will still celebrate your life. Today, on your 5th birthday, your daddy and I are going to go get some balloons and flowers and put them in your room to celebrate the day you were born. I know you will see them from heaven and smile.

So happy birthday, my sweet little angel. I love you. Love, momma

Haunted and Happy. Another dream.

Two nights ago, I dreamt that Karissa, Mark and my dad and I were on a ski trip. We were out in the parking lot and Karissa started running. She slipped on the ice, hit her head and started having a seizure. I started freaking out and was yelling something like "no, she's gonna die again, we can't let her die like last time." I am still haunted by that part of my dream.

Then, the other part of my dream was that Karissa was playing with a girl the same age named Emma. Mind you, I do not know any little girl by the name of Emma. Anyways, I was sitting with Karissa and I said "Karissa, where is Emma?" Karissa pointed and said "she's right there." Whoa!! I was elated because Karissa was never able to talk and had a hard time with pointing. Babbling was all she could ever really do. So, in my dream, I remember being so shocked that she said those 3 words. I was crying and praising her with big hugs and kisses. I was so happy.

Lovely responses!

So, I got a few responses regarding yesterday's post. All but one is posted on facebook. I love, love, love when people post responses...good, bad and ugly. These were all good, as they usually are.

I love that I don't have to go to work. I am perfectly content staying at home. I will admit that sometimes it does get a little boring. I absolutely love taking care of my home and my husband, and one day, if I am lucky, another child or 2 or 3 or 4...

I guess, all I want is for people to try to understand, which is almost near to impossible unless you have suffered such a horrendous loss, that I am trying to live my life the best way I can. I think I am doing a pretty good job considering that I am still getting out of bed every morning, and have been since the day Karissa died.

Now, of course there are days when I don't get one single thing accomplished because the cloud that is hovering over me is so dark and stormy. I will say though, that the dark and stormy days are getting few and farther between. And then, there are days that are just a bit cloudy. Once in a while I have a bright and sunny day. But my days are usually a bit cloudy.

"I know you're a stay-at-home mom, but what do you do with all your time?"

I used to get that quite often from those who had no kids. It was one of my biggest pet-peeves at the time. Being a stay-at-home is hard work. Definitely a full-time job. I have heard people say, after they have had kids, that they never realized how hard is was going to be and that their job outside of the home was much easier.

Obviously, I am no longer a stay-at-home mom. However, I still get the same response minus the stay-at-home mom part of course. The reaction I get when I tell people I am not working is ridiculously offensive and quite amusing all at the same time. People EXPECT and ASSUME that if you are not at home raising a family, then you obviously must be working. I hate having to feel like I have to justify myself, when quite frankly, it is really none of anyone's business.

And then, there are some who feel the need to recommend to me what I should be or could be doing with all of my time. Yes, I am not kidding, it has been done and it makes me want vomit. I know most people have the best of intentions but really? Do you really think I am that helpless that I haven't thought of things I could do to fill my time? Actually, I have formulated a list both in my head and on paper. I just haven't really done that much about it. I have talked about my ideas with Mark and a few friends.

I find myself trying to formulate an answer to the dreaded question. The sad truth is, I avoid people and places just to avoid having to hear THE QUESTION. At one point, I thought I would just lie and say I was going back to school. However, this is completely absurd considering that I have both a bachelor's and master's degree and am not really that interested in taking on more school loan debt. But hey, maybe it would get people to shut up!

Very recently, I was at lunch with a friend of mine, expressing to her my very frustrations with this. Her response was, "Just tell them you are married to a doctor and that you don't need to work." Awesome! Actually, I have thought of saying this but I don't ever want to come off as the stuck up, snotty doctor's wife who gets to stay at home and eat bonbons and watch soaps all day or go out for lavish lunches and shopping sprees. Excuse the run on sentence. The truth is, I feel blessed and very thankful that I don't have to work. I realize that I am probably one of the few people that has this luxury. I have friends and family that have lost their jobs or are close to it. So, I don't ever want to flaunt the fact that I don't need to work when others are in dire need of a job, which is why I have held off on that response until now.

But from now on, my response will be just that: "I am married to a doctor. I don't need to work." Deal with it! Ahhhh, I feel so relieved now!

Landmark Clinical Trial for Childhood Absence
Epilepsy Fills Large Information Gap

CURE would like to call attention to a landmark clinical trial, which has established an initial drug therapy for childhood absence epilepsy—the most common form of childhood epilepsy. The study—lead by Tracy A. Glauser, MD, director of the Comprehensive Epilepsy Center at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center—is the largest pediatric epilepsy clinical trial ever funded by the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS), of the National Institutes of Health (NIH).

Published March 4 in the New England Journal of Medicine, data from the double-blind, randomized, comparative clinical trial fill a large information gap in the treatment of childhood absence epilepsy, also known as “petit mal” epilepsy. The research, which identifies important differences between drugs in seizure control and side effects, is expected to impact how physicians select and monitor initial therapy for children with the disorder and ultimately lead to improved outcomes.

CURE Chair Susan Axelrod stated, "This is a groundbreaking study, which will lead to improved seizure control for so many children who suffer daily absence seizures. CURE would like to extend its gratitude to Dr. Glauser and his team for their hard work and dedication."

To learn more, please visit:
www.cincinnatichildrens.org/about/news/release/2010/epilepsy-trial-3-4-2010.htm