Blame

Mark says I blame myself for Karissa's death. Blame. Isn't that part of the grieving process? I honestly can't remember. But yes, I do blame myself at times.

As mentioned in a previous post, during the last month or so, Karissa's seizures were getting much worse. She would go about a week or so and then have another bout of seizures. I remember on one particular Friday in June, when returning home from the neurologist, she had a terrifying seizure in the car (see post titled "Silence"). I didn't contact the neurologist like I should have. I still beat myself up for it. I think, "well, if I had informed the neurologist, maybe she would have changed her meds or maybe she would have started or added a new med to her current regimen. Maybe that would have saved her life." Or I think, "she probably died from hypoglyecmia or dehydration as a result of being on the Ketogenic Diet. We should have never had her on the diet."

I go through days where I think too much or dwell on stuff like this. I could drive myself crazy just thinking about the 'what-ifs.' I am selfish and I want her here with me. That is when I start blaming myself and start thinking of all the things I could have done differently that could have prevented her death.

BUT, I know that Jesus wanted her home with him. It couldn't be more clear to me. Crystal Clear! My prayer that she would be healed and have no more seizures was answered the night before she died. She is in a better place where she is in no pain. I am confident in the fact that I will see her again. That is the hope that I cling to and go back to time and time again. That is what silences all my thought and doubts.